How to Stop Seeking External Validation with 6 Powerful Strategies
I wrote this in response to a post from David at How to Beast. He has a great post but I’m going to give it my own slant.
First, I want you to admit that you have a problem.
It’s ok, man. I had this problem myself for many years. What’s the problem you might quizzically ask? I’ll tell you what it is:
You care too much.
Mainly, you care too much about the opinions of other people. Not only their opinions, but their approval.
I’ll tell you right now – if you want any shot at “success” or “happiness”, you need to stop seeking validation ASAP.
By the end of this article, you will:
- Understand why validation is such a powerful “drug” and why you must wean yourself off of it
- The different types of approval and validation
- Learn why so many men have a need for approval, especially female approval
- How to stop seeking attention and undermine the effect it has on you
- How to validate YOURSELF
If you continue down this path of seeking endless validation…you will be easily used and manipulated by others, no better than a puppet on a string.
You will become virtually powerless.
So with that, let’s start with the basics.
Note: This article is mainly directed towards men and the struggles that modern men face. This article can be applied to both men and women, however, it has a decidedly masculine slant.
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Three Sources to Stop Seeking Validation From
As a man in the modern world, you have three different types of unhealthy sources you need to stop seeking validation from.
These are:
- Social media validation
- Approval from women
- Approval from external family and friends
None of these are harmful outright. But it’s not uncommon for all of these to be escalated to a fever pitch.
All of these can be intertwined to create a “ball of yarn” effect on someone’s mind and work to drain someone of their masculine confidence.
Here’s the breakdown of each.
Social Media Validation
We live in an interesting time.
Never in history has the attention-grabbing, consciousness-shaping, and thought-diverting technology of social media been seen on such a large scale. Never.
Because of this tendency, social media tends to be addictive and it can shape you into someone who craves, rather needs approval from people you aren’t even close with.
You can post anything you want on there and get +1s, likes, social validation, and all other signs of approval from people…while doing absolutely nothing.
Social media doesn’t hook you into approval seeking behavior? Ok, the next one most definitely will.
Approval/Validation From Women
We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need. – Tyler Durden, Fight Club
Many men today are absolutely addicted to female attention.
Many men use social media as a conduit to get approval from…women.
Why?
Many men were conditioned to seek female approval when they were young.
We had to be a “good boy” for mommy.
We had to sit still while the teacher (who was a woman) gave us lessons.
We had to impress our crushes in school, who were leagues above us (supposedly).
This also feeds back into our biology as well – being the natural “pursuers” of women and being visually oriented.
Our entire life has been spent seeking and going after the “good boy” stamp of approval from women. We have never considered what WE want from life.
So what happens when we grow up and start marching out into the world?
We get absolutely thrashed by women who don’t respect us…because we don’t respect ourselves. We try to fill a void inside ourselves with validation from women and guess what?
It doesn’t fucking work.
Men will empty their bank accounts, buy stupid clothes, sell out their friends, or do something which doesn’t benefit them all to seek the validation and gain the attention of an attractive woman.
You may think you are getting ahead, but you are wrong.
Take it too far, and you turn into a variant of a “nice guy”.
To close, we get to our third source of stop seeking validation from: family and friends
Approval From Family and Friends
If you’re like most people, you want to make your parents proud of you.
Naturally, your parents and close family members want the best for you – but usually they won’t steer you in a path that may be a bit “unconventional”.
Likewise, they put their time, energy, and money into raising you so they want to show off their finished product.
“I’m so proud of Johnny! He’s going to medical school!”
“Didn’t you know? Scott got accepted to Harvard Law!”
Your parents may want another doctor, lawyer, engineer, or so and so that they can brag to their friends about…
You may just want to show off to your friends and convince them that you’re not a damn loser.
But do you?
Seeking external validation from close friends and family members is yet again another disaster.
So let’s start with the basics. Why is it so difficult to stop seeking validation from these sources?
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The Allure of Validation Seeking Behavior
Everyone wants to be liked. Everyone wants to be accepted.
It’s alright if you feel this way. It’s human to feel this way.
It has to do with how the neurocircuitry in your brain is designed.
Dopamine and approval addiction
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is responsible for motivation.
It’s the “go get it chemical”.
Your brain releases dopamine every time you do something that will possibly ensure or promote your survival.
Some of these are:
- Food
- Sex
- Drugs
- Spending money
Millions of people around the world are addicted to all of these.
They aren’t addicted to the food, sex, drugs, or blowing racks at Saks. They’re addicted to the dopamine it gives them.
How does it relate to this example?
Well, you get a hit of dopamine when you’re told you did a good job or when you please someone who you consider your superior or slightly above you in social standing.
Validation is nice. It can be a sign that you’re doing something right!
Despite external validation’s ability to give us solid feedback, in our current climate it can certainly be abused.
The attention economy is validation on steroids.
Our current world is an “attention economy”, a place where millions and millions and millions of people, places, and products compete for top-of-mind dominance at all hours of the day.
Because many of us spend our time on the Internet (especially on social media), many of us will find that that we participate in validation culture without even knowing it.
Social media takes this human fixation on validation and ratchets it up to a new level.
Most people are absolutely addicted to a constant need for validation.
You can get “external validation” from your friends on social media…doing nothing, without offering value.
This is why it’s so easy to become a spectator in today’s world. You can sit on your couch and make rants about the state of the world and you’ll be rewarded for it.
The person who’s actually going out there and making a difference doesn’t see immediate rewards (unless they take a selfie and post it on Instagram).
Social media validation can be detrimental.
Why bother going out and traveling unless someone’s going to see it?
Why bother spending the long hours to build a business unless you can document it on social media?
Being unable to stop seeking validation, especially on social media can prevent you from taking risks, something all young men should be doing.
After reading this far, you may say “yeah, yeah…I get it“.
But do you really? There’s more…
The People Pleaser Trap
As you get more and more validation, three things start to happen:
- It turns into a habit
- You want more and more
- You try to “one up” yourself
Desire for validation can turn into a habit. A bad one. And fast.
A habit is formed by repetition. Repetition is encouraged by once again…dopamine. If something is motivating and feels good, you’ll make it more likely you’ll do it again.
Soon, addiction to validation becomes a cycle, like a puppy chasing its tail.
Eventually, it isn’t enough for 50 people to like and comment on your photo.
You then need 51.
Then 52.
Then you post something that only gets 6 likes.
You are emotionally shattered.
That’s it. You need your next update to be “out of this world”.
So, you’ll attempt to one-up yourself.
You post something wittier, something more comical.
On a long enough timeline, it gets to the point where you become a parody of yourself.
You become a “shadow version” of yourself, someone who is an echo of what you think people want to see. You become a fake.
That’s only on social media. What’s it like in real life when it comes to family and friends and especially women?
As I said earlier, we all crave the attention our superiors give us. This goes for our older family and friends.
If you’re stuck in a job you don’t like, you’ll keep on doing it because your parents think it’s awesome. If you’re in a relationship you don’t like, you will stay in it.
If you want the approval of a woman, you will bend over backward and be a doormat, just in the hope of getting laid. You’ll put her on an unattainable pedestal.
It’s a vicious cycle. You are addicted to validation, so you hop on social media to get validation from women and from friends/family. You get that validation and the clusterfuck of insanity continues. You are now unable to stop seeking validation.
At the end of a day, you will live a life that’s not really yours. You’re not running the day is running you. You’re the servant, not the master.
All the healthy and outgoing activities which we want him to avoid can be inhibited and nothing given in return, so that at last he may say…’I now see that I spent most my life in doing neither what I ought nor what I liked.” – C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
If you try to gain the favor of other people, you will be forever chasing the wind. You will experience no peace of mind.
If you wait for the approval of others in order for you to do something, chances are you’ll be waiting for a long time.
You need to realize that your life is in your hands. You have to rise up and take responsibility for your life. You have to stop seeking validation. No one else will do it for you, no matter how much “entertainment” you give them.
If you wait for the approval of others in order for you to do something, chances are you'll be waiting for a long time. Click To TweetHow to Stop Seeking Validation and Being a People Pleaser
If you want to stop seeking validation and ultimately being a people pleaser, it’s important that you do these things:
1. Stop the codependency, realize you have a problem
Addiction to validation at its core is codependency on a spectrum. Codependency is:
“Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs”
At its best validation addiction is needing little “hits” of dopamine to cheer you up. At its worst, it turns into stalker-like and obsessive behavior (something many guys have a problem with on social media).
This in and of itself is a cause for concern.
Most people do not want to admit that they’re “addicted” to something because the word itself has such a negative connotation. But this is the first step to realizing that you need to step back.
You probably have emotional bonds with women who don’t contribute anything to your life. If that’s the case, it’s time to stop. You need to break these bonds, stop seeking validation from her, and severe the cords.
If you have an ex you occasionally contact, cut her off.
If you have a girl’s Facebook you regularly stalk, unfriend her. Block her if you need to.
You are basically dumping energy into a black hole.
2. Withdraw
Drawing back from certain activities and people is a key way to stop seeking validation.
This may mean closing certain social media accounts to not even hanging out with certain people.
Not surprisingly, withdrawing can lead to withdrawal. You will crave that “drug” again. You’ll want to go back. This is the part where you hold fast and don’t give in. This means that your brain is changing. This is how you establish self-discipline.
3. Establish non-negotiables
You must have guiding principles that govern your life from which you never deviate. What are they?
Are you a person of integrity? A person of self-discipline? A person of execution?
If you don’t know what these principles are or what they stand for, you are a prime sucker for…sucking up.
4. Get some goals
If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.
Anybody can just lead you down any path and you’ll gladly follow along.
Goals go along with the “non-negotiables” because they’re a destination.
With a clear destination and plans to get there, you won’t need to please anyone or do anything doesn’t correspond to these goals. The opinion of the world won’t matter.
5. Know thyself
This is the hardest one to do…but the most essential. You need to ask yourself one question:
Who the fuck am I?
Really. Truly.
Think back to when you were a young tyke. Who was he before the opinions of the world and self-limiting beliefs got in his way?
Take 10-15 minutes and sit in a quiet room and think about this. Without this knowledge, you’ll just end up following other people.
6. Start the dopamine detox
The dopamine detox is a way of existing in the world that is growing in popularity as time goes on. People are starting to wake up and realize the effects of specific activities on life outcomes.
In the dopamine detox, the emphasis is on removing low value/high stimulation activities that use up someone’s motivation to actually do things that moves the needle forward.
If you want to learn how to stop seeking validation on social media, this is how to do it.
I’ve written an entire guide on the dopamine detox. Check out Dopamine Detox: An Essential Neural Reset for the Modern World.
Conclusion and The Final Verdict
Am I saying social media is a bad thing? Definitely not. It has helped myself and millions of other people connect to others all over the globe.
Am I saying approval from friends and family is a bad thing? Nope. Having people who have known you for years acknowledge your accomplishments gives you an indescribable feeling.
You just need to understand that social media is a tool. Familial approval is a tool. These can let you know that you may be on the right track towards greater achievement.
You also need to understand that validation has a dark side. You need to avoid that dark side.
Lastly, you need to understand that chasing an unrealistic level of validation is ultimately a road to nowhere – one that wastes time, wastes life, and ultimately wastes potential – which is precisely why you have to stop seeking validation.
That’s all I’m saying. You can’t spend your life surrounded by a bunch of yes-men, shielding you from the ups and downs of life.
Lots of people spend and have spent their entire life riding a high of validation until it all came crashing down leading to their physical or emotional demise.
Have any thoughts about our validation culture? Let me know in the comments.
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I am an approval addict. I have been this way as far back as I can remember. It started as a little girl when my mom would come home from work and yell at me because I didn’t help her with chores. She would ignore me for awhile and I would think of what chores i could do to please her to gain her approval.
How has that affected you now? What are you doing to fix it?
Great article, very well thought and complete ! Thank you it helps a lot
I’m the same. I can’t exactly remember when it started. But I know it’s a cycle of wanting to say the right things and constantly worrying if the person will like you. It crushes your soul man.
I love it when people come together and share opinions, great blog, keep it up.
Love this. Just I’m not really sure how to tell the difference of if I need validation, if I ultimately just don’t think I’m good enough for a lot of things or too scared to try?
Loved this one. Thanks for the information. Keep sharing more.
Never understood why people seek validation. Seriously how desperate can you be?
The bottom line is that nobody really cares about you or your life. It’s not because people are cold and heartless – it’s just because we are all essentially strangers to one another.
Why seek approval from strangers? It’s perfectly orchestrated self-deception!
Interesting perspective, Leigh. Many thanks for your insight!
It’s not about being desperate, it’s about survival. People are relatively helpless on their own compared to other animals. We survived because we worked in groups.
Validation is like checking in with others, like “How am I doing relative to the group”. It’s only bad when it gets out of control and becomes the main reason for adopting certain behavior, lifestyle, etc.
Total indifference to others’ approval does not seem healthy to me.
I’m a woman and I️ have to admit this was extremely helpful. I️ constantly sought out validation from my male friend that I️ was sleeping with even though I️ new he had other women. When he did not respond or affirm me in the way that I️ longed for I felt so rejected. Recently, I️ made the decision to leave him alone and in the process I️ began to experience the symptoms of withdrawal from him validating me. I️ thought I was the only one that experienced that. I️ will not give in!! Thanks again!!
Kryssy, Many women feel like that. Its awesome you disconnected from that person and didn’t give in
I read the first half of this and it totally changed my perspective and opened my eyes to the harm I’ve been doing myself. I’ve nearly driven myself along the spectrum into full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. Thank you so much for writing this in a way that truly resonated with me. I’ve heard this same message so many times but having the whats and hows and whys explained in such contemporary detail (and a C.S. Lewis quote!) really hit it home.
I’m suffering from this dependent personality disorder where I constantly need a male person in my life to comfort me, validate my feelings, give attention n care to me…I’m so easily attached to any men…even 2-3 person at same time…I loose my mental stability when I lost that attention…I dnt know what to do…it’s easier said that done…it seems like impossible to me to survive without a male person
Have you seen a therapist?
This article definitely applies to women, too. I think it is healthy for all involved to detach from one-sided relationships as quickly as possible. I went into an emotional tailspin the other day because a casual friend and my husband got into it over politics on social media. My friend made a lot of assumptions about our beliefs that were untrue and rejected both of us because we don’t live up to her expectations. Anyway, this bothered me so much that I was obsessing about it and I realized I was craving her approval in an unhealthy way. My husband and I DO support equal rights and civil rights in our words and actions. What she was saying was just wrong.This article is helping me to look at my life and check my codependency, which I have struggled with in the past.
Loved this article. I also loved the comments too so im leaving one as well! It’s also worth adding that the need for validation can also come from ‘Identity disturbance’ or ‘unstable sence of self’ documented as symptoms of PTSD and Borderline Personality disorder. This type of need for validation comes from a disconnect between the individual and their spirit. ( due to PTSD, CPTSD or BDP). This issue is said to be fixable through cogitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. As in noted in the article “know thy self” first and foremost. Mindfullness has said work wonders for pulling ones awareness into the preset moment and this can lead to greater self awareness. 🙂
Thanks
Awesome! Thanks for stopping by, Mischa!
In response to ‘Irka’ I would have to disagree with you.
Social media has taken attention-seeking and validation to a whole new level.
Granted – we are social mammals with a need to co-operate in order to get along, but seeking validation is a conscious choice. It has nothing to do with survival.
Furthermore, ‘groups’ don’t exist – individuals exist and individuals choose to voluntarily co-operate in order to achieve common goals and objectives.
I take a rather depressing and long-term view of things. We are all heading for the grave ultimately and everything we do in between is essentially meaningless regardless of the face that we put on it.
When you look at life like this – what’s the point of seeking any validation from others when we’re all heading into the ground (ultimately). A sobering thought uh!
My point is that seeking validation from others is in itself both futile and counter-productive. Time passes, we age, we die and that’s it!
Your comment remembered me of a quotation from Shakespeare: “life is but a walking shadow; a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage; and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot; full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”.
I found this article while searching for insight into my best friend/boyfriend’s behavior. Most of what I have read or have been told simply did not fit. He seeks the validation of other women, but in an almost child-like manner. He isn’t seeking any kind of romantic validation from them. After reading this, it solidifies my original belief that it stems from his lack of approval from his parents as a child and losing his mother, first mentally then physically, at a young age. I have known from the moment I met him there was so much more than what he let everyone see. I have stuck by him when most would have given up, not because I am desperate or stupid, but because I knew the reality an the extent of his actions and his need for validation. I am also very self confident and don’t need his or anyone else’s validation myself, which has probably helped balance this out. It has been rough but he finally saw it and admitted it to himself and to me. We finally made the progress that I always knew was possible. I am going to share this article with him tonight so he can understand this from a different perspective. Thank you!!
Hi Sim,
Great Article! I also think you missed out on another important type of validation that plagues men, which is seeking validation from people in authority. Most nice guys possess this trait and it usually stems from a parental environment where a person in authority (parent) denied care and affection unless the child conformed to certain precepts. This usually transfers to a workplace scenario where excessive importance is placed on the approval of people in higher positions of authority which leads to silent agony and suffering of the person in order to put up a front of being nice.
Wow, this is a great point Guz. Thanks for commenting. There’s so many different types of people pleasing and attention seeking that it is impossible to cover them all in one post.
GREAT article. You nailed me in a nutshell. I’m an approval and validation addict, and I realized it before I ever read this. I know what I NEED to do. I’ve known it for years. What I want to know is HOW DO I DO IT? What are some concrete steps I can take to break this cycle of neediness and codependence?
Thanks for your work!
Trey,
Thanks for your comment.
I’d recommend seeing a GOOD therapist. You may have some deeper issues you need to work through on your own in addition to helping you be more self-reliant in that area.
Cool. Thanks, man. Keep up the good work, buddy. – B
Thank you so much this is so helpful. I know my validation from women issues come from childhood. I always wanted verbal validation from parents and never got it. Ive been seeking it from women I’ve worked with and almost ruined marriage.
I love this article, I realise that posting this comment is probably some kind of search for validation but I just found it funny that there is the “click to tweet” option halfway through.
I’m not trying to say it compromises the message of the piece or anything. It was just a delicious irony(*?) that made me laugh inwardly and I thought I would share it. Although on further introspection I suspect my desire to point this out is also driven by my insecurities and my need for other people to validate my perceptiveness.
*I’m never sure if I’m using irony correctly
There’s no real shame in re-tweeting insightful stuff, especially if it’s for the right reasons. 🙂
Hi I am from uk some one recently told me after my girl dump me now one of my friend told me that never validate a women and don’t give her non sexual attention I didn’t get can you explain me please what does it mean how can we not validate any examples
Just don’t give her any unnecessary attention. Just treat her like another human being.
Basically, never kiss a woman’s arse.
When you validate a woman, you’re feeding her EGO – giving her what she want’s. You’re raising her value and devaluing your own attention as a result.
Remember, as a man, your time and attention are also worth something.
Never place a woman on a pedestal and treat them as a trophy to be fought over. At the end of the day, this woman is nothing more than a human being. Why elevate her at the expense of diminishing your own integrity?
Ignore women as much as possible. If they engage, keep the conversation short and polite. Don’t play mind games and get caught up in their ramblings. Just try and keep a healthy distance.
I wish we would stop the gender wars and be nice to one another. Relationships are about collaboration, not power games. Many women also feel the way about men as you feel about women. Instead of putting each other down, let’s raise each other.
I am a woman and could relate to most of this! Good article.
Came here looking for advice on a similar condition, but read the entire article anyway. Wow! Thank you for writing this. I needed this.
No problem!
Hi, I just wanted to thank you for a great article, there’s also some great comments on here as well. I have a problem with needing validation, not so much from social media, but certainly from women, especially my wife. Since we got together 9 years ago I’ve been convinced I was punching above my weight, showering her with positive comments and just waiting for her to find someone more her equal and leave. Now I’ve realised that the only person saying I’m punching above my weight, is me. When I shower her with affection she never returns it or believes me (apparently I’m blind and she looks awful). Instead of stopping or changing tact, I do it more. I’m not sure how, but I need to break free of this vicious cycle. Start to accept myself for who I am, realise that she wouldn’t have gone out with me if she didn’t see something in me, and stop elevating her and instead realise that we are equal.
Great article! I do wish you had kept it gender neutral though…there are many women who also seek approval of men or could be co-dependent. I am an example – where I have sought approval of men in authority all my life, and this also translates into my personal life.
Thanks Priyanka,
The reason why it’s not gender neutral is because I write mainly speaking to men most of my topics. Men have a problem with giving away attention where it isn’t needed and getting nothing back. I realize women also get caught up in co-dependent and validation seeking behavior, however, my writing is not directed towards women.
Hey Sim, great article. Life altering. Thank you!
what I have recently realised is that addiction to validation seeking from others is like digging for gold . You end up so exhausted because no gold is ever enough thats if you even get it and then you get all sad and frustrated when others wont give you there gold or they get fed up with you always seeking it all the time and they stop giving it. It never ends until you realise you need to start to learn how to seek the gold within you thats is infinite and a joy to discover..and you can still seek gold from others were they want to give it and it will come from a place of joy rather than sadness and misery..its true getting validation from others is like the most exquisate drug so whats the answer the validation you seek from yourself has to feel much better. I have to say i am no were near this place but its a dream vision of a better future.
I’m in a dark place right now all because of the seeking validation from other people, I’m loosing my family and my life because of this, I’m going to try all this advices you gave me to improve my self thanks for the article.
Very valuable for me.
Wishing I found this article many many years ago.
Glad to hear it, Arnaldo. Please reach out if you need further assistance.