8 Confidence Killers That Create Low Self Esteem In Men

As a man, your confidence is your lifeline. And without it, you can’t have the life you envision.

The following 8 things are pure confidence killers aand your self-esteem as a man if you let them. Each point contains:

• the issue itself
• why it destroys your confidence
• a real world insight
• and a reversal on how to fix it

[toc]

1. Seeking out external validation

Humans are social creatures. We need other humans to survive and thrive. This lends itself well to seeking out feedback from others. However, this need for feedback can quickly turn itself into an incessant need for validation from others.

Why it destroys your confidence

I’ve talked about this quite a bit ago but seeking out external validation is one of the biggest confidence killers. It puts your self-esteem and self-confidence in the hands of other people (who may not value it as much as you do).

You cannot build self-confidence when you are extremely dependent on other people. In fact, this will only give you low self-esteem and low self-confidence. You can only manufacture it inside and only you can give yourself permission to express it.

Real world example

Many men seek validation from others.

They seek it from their romantic relationships.

They seek it from their bosses at work.

They seek it from their close friends.

They seek it from their parents.

These are all 4 different groups of people. It is impossible to have 4 different groups of people give the same “report” to the same person.

They will all have different things to say about you. And some of those things may be incongruent from each others.

How can you build masculine self-confidence and well being from an incongruent foundation?

Answer: you can’t.

Reversal of the behavior

The best solution to fixing an over-reliance on external validation is to not need the validation in the first place.

Much easier said than done, but from here on out–tell yourself that you are done looking for external validation.

Even just by saying such, you remove its power.

Of course, intent is only the first step.

The next couple of steps would involve creating a mental and emotional ecosystem where you are not reliant on the opinions of others to make you to feel confident and good.

This will do wonders for your confidence.

2. Being out of shape

Humans today are at their heaviest than at any point in history.

You can blame sedentary lifestyles, a lack of education on eating, or any other environmental factors.

Regardless, the individual is the one who is stuffing the food into their face with (seeming) impunity.

Why it destroys your confidence

No one grows up and wishes to be 250+ lbs. But it still happens, to millions.

We now live in a society where people who are overweight are less at risk of being made fun of, which is good. However, in our quest for “body positivity”, we’ve missed the point that obesity just isn’t healthy.

Instead of telling the person who’s out of shape to get in the gym, people are more apt to tell them “you’re fine just the way you are”.

But nature knows no jest and it knows no lies.

An overweight person’s inability to lose weight in addition to being the recipients of many jokes – will wear on them over the years.

And that will erode anyone’s confidence over time and create low self-esteem.

Real world example

Mike is a 34-year-old man. He’s had the same friends since high school, works a middle management job, and spends his nights and weekends watching TV and playing video games.

His social life isn’t much to write home about, he hasn’t dedicated an hour to exercise in years, and his life is somewhat stagnant.

Deep down, Mike wants to change but he can’t seem to peel himself away from his comforts. However, Mike will soon get a diagnosis that will change his life forever.

Reversal of the behavior

At his annual health checkup, Mike gets a concerned look from the doctor.

His doctor lets him know that his vitals are trending in a bad direction and he may receive different news the next time he comes in unless he changes his life.

Mike then resolves to do whatever it takes to restore his health.

He decides to stop being passive and start going to the gym.

If he doesn’t quit or flame out (like many beginners do), he will experience a physical transformation that will effect his self-image, his mindset, and his life.

3. Pornography

It’s no secret that in 2024, we live in a sexualized society where pornography has been normalized.

You see it on TV, you see it on social media, you see it on ads, etc… But interacting with this content is doing you no favors as a man.

Why it destroys your confidence

In addition to the many studies done on its effects, you are watching two (or even more) people at their most intimate and getting off to it, like a voyeur hunched over in the corner.

You aren’t going out into the real world and encountering and overcoming rejection. You’re hiding away from real women and life.

Why wouldn’t this destroy your confidence and create low self esteem?

Real world example

Many men are porn addicts. Several of them have reached out to me in the past.

They’ve told me about how they lack motivation, are unfocused, have low self esteem, and even have approach anxiety.

Are all of these caused by porn use? Not necessarily. But it sure doesn’t help. It might even create negative self talk.

If you find yourself addicted to pornography, you might be headed down the same road (if you’re not there already).

Reversal of the behavior

Porn consumption has become such a widespread issue in 2024 that there are literally communities of thousands of men attempting to stop this behavior.

If you need help, filtering software like Freedom is available.

All in all, if you want to quit this confidence destroying behavior, you can do so. You just need to seek out the right support and be committed to the journey.

4. Lack of Competence

In my opinion, competence = confidence. It’s as simple as that.

Why? Several reasons:

1. Competence makes other people respect you more because you have shown that you can grapple with tougher-than-average concepts.
2. Competence allows you to bring value to interactions. The more things you are competent in, the more value you bring.
3. Competence brings with it experience. Everyone wants to be around someone who knows what they’re doing when shit hits the fan.

Or as Napoleon Dynamite so eloquently put it, girls like guys with skillz.

Why it destroys your confidence

If competence is one of the key pillars that makes a man a man, then what do you call a man who can’t handle basic adult life?

Well, you’ll probably have to settle for calling him a boy.

Real world example

There are many men who are in their later 20s and up (younger guys get a pass) who have no direction in life and no idea on how to get there.

Imagine reaching your 30s with no marketable skills, no history of wins behind you, and feeling lost and confused. Maybe even helpless.

This may sound like fiction, but this is the reality that millions of men wake up to every single day.

There are millions of men who find themselves unable to do basic household tasks.

There are millions of men who find themselves unmotivated to develop skills.

There are even millions of men who don’t even have a job.

They see shiny objects but then they become frustrated because they have no real way to close the gap between them and the shiny object.

This creates lowered self-confidence, low self-esteem, and whole bunch of other issues.

At the end of the day, this is someone who is an emotional burden on others in some format.

Reversal of the behavior

Developing and mastering skills is the only way to develop competence, and thus confidence.

Part of this is a learning phase, part of it is a study phase, and the other part of it is application.

In essence, all of these require “application” (because nothing will move unless you move).

You have to want to do it. You have to want to develop skills. This requires taking responsibility.

On the other hand…your couch and your 50 inch HDTV will be happy to have you stick around for the rest of your life if you don’t want to do that.

5. Mental Rigidity

The world is a very diverse place filled with varying perspectives on many different topics.

While some of these perspectives won’t help you or may even be harmful to you, others are certainly worth entertaining.

If you are mentally rigid, there’s a strong chance that you won’t entertain any of them.

Why it destroys your confidence

Being close-minded will lock you into a pattern of lethargy, stagnation, and underachievement.

Going back to point #4 of competence, this will certainly also diminish that.

As the years pile up and as society progresses, you’ll find yourself falling further and further behind.

This alone can make you lack confidence and have low self esteem.

Notice also how some of the most progressive places are places where there’s a lot of different kinds of people. Diversity of thought contributes to new ideas and inventions that progress human living.

Also notice how some of the most backward places are places where everyone’s the same. Everyone talks the same, acts the same, thinks the same, etc. This is not an environment of innovation. This is an environment of stagnation.

To retreat away from the feeling of inferiority and incompetence, you will venture into some form of escapism and/or become just another person who lives an NPC lifestyle.

Real world example

To many people – self-improvement is a joke. They spend their entire lives getting cultural messaging that “you’re fine just the way you are” or get validation from people around them in some form or fashion that they don’t really need to change at all.

This makes them resistant to change and consider differing perspectives.

This mental rigidity becomes even more entrenched and harder to break out of.

It’s not hard to find these people. You have them in your friend circle, in your family, in your place of employment…you might even be one of them.

Reversal of the behavior

All of your current beliefs were learned from someone or somewhere. You were not born with any of your beliefs. You learned them through a process of socialization.

Therefore, your beliefs can be changed.

More importantly, your subconscious belief that you’re an extremely “skeptical” person (in your eyes, this is a good thing) .

Your own life is yours to live as you choose. However, self-improvement operates on the basis that who you are right now can be changed and improved (hence the name).

However, it requires your willingness and open-mindedness to try new things and even suspend belief in the act of trying those new things

I’ve had many guys who I’ve prescribed very basic solutions to that will disregard them…because they’re basic. Yes, they may be basic–but they’re effective.

Don’t discount fundamentals. They’re everything.

More importantly – they can be everything to your self-worth.

6. Overthinking

Mental masturbation and endlessly thinking about inane bullshit in particular is the pandemic of the 21st century.

We are surrounded by information on every corner and this just feeds into the mind’s pernicious tendencies to go in circles.

But ask yourself of the information you consume:

“How much of this is relevant to my current situation?“

Why it destroys your confidence

Overthinking will create social anxiety, self-doubt, second guessing yourself, and even depression in some cases.

Most importantly, it drains your mental energy so that you have very little of it left. Think of it like a slow fog which rolls over your mental landscape, one that prevents you from having healthy relationships and a feeling of self worth.

It is not constructive to indulge in this behavior on a consistent basis.

Real world example

As of 2023, 328.77 million terabytes of information are created each day and it’s estimated that 90% of the world’s data was created in the last year alone.

That’s a lot of information for a mind to sink its teeth into.

Especially a mind that is not well trained and one that isn’t feeling confident.

If you continue mindlessly consuming information like a jackrabbit, there’s a chance that you will develop debilitating mental health issues and have low self esteem.

Mental health disorders skyrocketed during the pandemic.

While some people think it was due to staying indoors and social isolation (which part of it no doubt was), the other big factor people overlook is how much raw information people were consuming during that time.

People were looking for updates and information from any corner they could get it, even from sketchy “iNfLuEnCeRs” who had no idea what they were talking about and just wanted to spread fear.

The pandemic had a lasting impact on how people consume media and most importantly – their minds.

Reversal of the behavior

Your first step to backing out of overthinking is to train your mind.

This means meditation, this means physical training, this means becoming mentally and physically grounded.

So many people spend their time looking at screens, eating processed junk food, drinking tons of caffeine, sedentary–that they’re distressed that their mind is run, run, running.

Well…duh.

Second step is to stop reading so much bullshit on the Internet.

Outlandish conspiracy theories, “alternative health remedies”, fake news, and all other sorts of mindless drivel are percolating into mainstream consciousness because people uncritically swallow information without even stopping to ask:

“Where the fuck did this come from?!?!?”

Clean up your mental diet. Take some responsibility.

Basically, use your mind less, but train it more.

7. Self-Doubt

In this world, you are born alone (unless you’re a twin, triplet, etc.) and you die alone. In between that time, you live among other human beings.

Therefore, you need to be the best representative of yourself to the outside world.

Self-doubt destroys this.

It will diminish your ability to shine your light into a dark world because you will stifle your personality.

Why it destroys your confidence

It should be self-explanatory. If you are not on your side, who else will be?

Real world example

One area where self doubt and low self-esteem frequently manifests for many men is in the area of social interactions – namely those that relate to women.

Many men spend their entire life walking on eggshells around women wondering if they said the right thing or if they brought up the wrong subject.

One disapproving look from a woman on a date can turn Mr. Chad into a shriveled up nice guy who thinks to himself:

Aw dammit – I’ve screwed it up, haven’t I? She doesn’t like me anymore…

Reversal of the behavior

In any situation – no matter if you’re:

• Giving a public speech
• Interacting with a woman before or on a date
• Doing something you’ve never done before

You need to believe in your ability to succeed.

You need to have the belief that you can emerge triumphant.

This requires a foundation of high self esteem, masculine confidence, and a bulletproof mindset of outcome independence.

Basically, you need to strengthen your inner game because life manifests from the inside out.

8. Social Crutches

Many people in the world have some variation of social anxiety. That’s not something to be ashamed of, it just is what it is.

To combat this (and the feelings of low self-esteem), many of them rely on what I call “social crutches” to maintain themselves.

Things like:

• Headphones
• Smartphones
• Drugs & alcohol
• Hanging around the same group of friends

But what happens when there comes a time when you can no longer reliably rely on these things?

Why it destroys your confidence

In the classic book The Millionaire Next Door, Dr. Thomas Stanley discusses a concept he calls “economic outpatient care”:

What is economic outpatient care? Why is this type of help for adult children problematic?

Economic outpatient care is when an affluent parent bestows economic subsidies on a fully capable adult. The problem with economic outpatient care is that it trains the adult child to consume money rather than invest it to build wealth.

Economic outpatient care enables children who are under-accumulators to live beyond their means and maintain a high-consumption lifestyle in which displaying status is the goal. UAW’s (under-accumulators of wealth) children typically become UAWs as well because they grow up accustomed to this lifestyle.

Generally, the more economic outpatient care adult children receive, the less wealth they accumulate because they immediately spend rather than invest it. Cash gifts are habit-forming and discourage adult children from becoming independent. They find it easier to spend their parents’ money than to earn and accumulate their own.

While this is in reference to money, the concept remains the same. It is something where you are making the weak weaker by not allowing them to stand on their own two feet.

In other words: a crutch.

That’s the same thing you do when you rely on all of the things I just listed (and more) to be someone who is socially viable.

Real world example

In my early to mid 20s, I knew several individuals who would have to be blasted on all sorts of substances just to get out onto the social scene.

I knew another man who had to always be on his phone if he wasn’t doing something.

In the present day, I know a man who has to rely on pornography to dull his desire around women so that he doesn’t feel nervous around them.

All of these – crutches that you use to prevent facing negative emotions and subsequent feelings of low self-esteem.

Reversal of the behavior

Life is about being confident and being able to step outside of your comfort zone and do things you’re uncomfortable with.

It’s not about leaning on crutches and grabbing them for dear life. That’s not living. That’s just…existing.

The solution to getting rid of social crutches would be some form of exposure therapy.

Exposure therapy has been proven to work when combined with other sources of treatment.

In other words – get out there and start facing your fears.

Conclusion + Wrapping Up

There’s a ton of things out there that are absolute confidence killers and will cause you to have low self esteem. These are just a few of them.

If you’re like most people, you’ll accept these things and their influence in your life. But, if such behavior is intolerable to you, you’ll do your best to mitigate these things.

Think of them as slow encroachments in your life. The castle isn’t taken over by excessive force. It’s the slow build up of all of these things that will destroy any positive outlook you have on life and destroy your self-esteem.

How you choose to deal with these is up to you, but whatever way you choose – make sure it is congruent to you.

How are you dealing with things that are confidence killers and that contribute to low self esteem? Let me know in the comments.