How to Stop Being a Loser: 8 Ways to Break Out of Perpetual Misery

One of the things a man doesn’t want to be called — is a loser.

He doesn’t want to be called that by his friends, he doesn’t want to be thought of that by his employer, and sure doesn’t want women to think of him as one.

Imagine your dream woman saying:

[INSERT YOUR NAME HERE] is such a loser. UGH.

Makes you cringe a little bit, right?

In this article is going to be a walkthrough of how to stop being a loser. I’ll also go through:

• The true definition of a loser
• An in-depth examination of what a loser is
• How a loser is made
• Why you may or may not be a loser
• How to stop being a loser, with actionable steps

Let’s stop losing, let’s start winning.

What IS a Loser, Anyway?

When other people call a guy a loser, they’re saying shorthand that he’s someone who doesn’t provide value.

In high school (and even college to a degree), someone who is called “a loser” is referring to a person (usually a male) who isn’t popular or isn’t “cool”. This usually means someone who’s actually trying to work hard in school, get good grades and stay out of trouble (AKA “nerds”).

Once you move past the childish games of adolescence and into early adulthood, this is where being called a “loser” holds legitimate weight.

A true loser from an objective, universal definition is someone who is incapable of dealing with the physical, emotional, and psychological challenges that adulthood presents.

People can call a successful man in society “a loser” but this is often a purely emotional reaction based on their dislike of the man usually based around some vague feeling of “envy”.

An example of envy: someone who is a true loser will often call another man “a loser” because the man in question is often more successful than they are in various life areas.

What Makes Someone a True Loser? An Examination

What is at the core of calling someone a loser? This is an important thing to note if you want to know how to stop being a loser.

When we’re talking about losers in a universal sense, this typically refers to two things:

• A man who still acts childish relative to his age
• A man who lacks self-efficacy in basic life areas

What does this mean?

Well, what comes to mind when you think of a guy who acts like a child relative to his age?

While that one’s easy to grasp, let’s talk about the second one briefly. Self-efficacy.

Self-efficacy is usually defined as an individual’s ability to perform in a way that helps them get needs met in a specific area. Basically, being productive.

In this scenario, a loser is someone who lacks the self-efficacy to get themselves to “the next level” in life. They can’t leave their comfort zone.

This might be the guy who can’t hold down a job because they can’t get over addictive or compulsive behavior. Or, it might be the guy who can’t even get a job in the first place because all he wants to do is play video games.

He lacks gusto. He lacks drive. He lacks THUMOS.

At its core, life is the ultimate game. And it’s often a game of resources.

Resources come in the form of money (obviously), social status (having a social network and being well connected), and the ability to choose how to spend time.

People who are all-around losers often have limited or no access to resources and most likely have low self-efficacy.

In harder times (like caveman days), being a loser as a man was dangerous. If you didn’t have self-efficacy, you risked being killed or “out dueled” by other men for resources. And of course, a woman who was with a man who could not do things risked her life and the life of her children.

This is often why you see women get with guys who are considered “bad boys” because these “bad boys” have self-efficacy. They are able to be assertive and get things that they want (many times).

These guys may be CEOs (or not), these guys may be working regular jobs (or not), but people who are able to assert their will on situations and influence outcomes are very attractive. Confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

But simply summed up – guys who are true losers are often men who are low on the social hierarchy. For whatever reason, they cannot get life to comply with their demands.

How Are Losers Created?

No one comes into this world a loser.

When a child is born, the nurse doesn’t say:

Hey, doesn’t this child look like a loser???

Losers are made, not born. The sooner a man realizes that, the sooner he can act proactively.

If you look into the background of a so-called loser, you’ll see a multiplicity of various issues.

You might see trauma or even abuse of some kind by an authority figure such as a teacher or a parent.

You might see a tragic home life.

You might see bullying by other kids on the playground.

You might see a hard rejection by a woman in their teenage years or adolescence.

You might see someone who came from a deficient background with absolutely zero encouragement or motivation.

Every person who is considered a “loser” had different life circumstances.

Not all “losers” came from neglectful homes and not all “losers” were bullied in school. It’s a combination of different issues that a person unconsciously draws upon to justify their lack of assertiveness to get the things they really want in life.

Either way, this sets the stage for someone to mentally “check out” of life, usually starting early on. This person becomes someone who makes a habit of taking “the easy way out” or avoiding pain whether it in areas such as procrastination or materialistically in the form of alcohol or drugs.

This passive aggressive “whatever” attitude towards life is characteristic of many so called “losers” and it’s only broken by action.

“Am I a Loser or Am I Just Tripping?”

Like I mentioned, a man can be called a loser without actually being a loser.

But how do you know if you’re a loser for real?

The following isn’t a one-size-fits-all, but if you find yourself resonating with a majority of these, you may in fact be a loser.

Your friends are also losers

Think about the people you hang around. Are they also “losers”? Do you find yourself sitting in a basement on a Friday watching movies and eating Cheetos instead of doing things?

Are your friends guys who have some degree of social status? Or are they also people who are disrespected by other people? Do they complain about other guys? Do they complain about women?

You have no experience with women

Losers often have little or no experience with women, so they are either scared of them, put them on a pedestal and deify them, or complain about how bad they are.

People who are seen as losers are often “nice guys” and are seen as “cute” by women but not “attractive”.

They are often the “friend” but never the “lover”.

These are the guys you often see complaining about this and that but never doing anything to solve it.

You complain…alot.

Losers often complain a shit ton. They whine about the weather. They bitch about the government. They spend their time getting into fights online.

Everything is an offense to them. They pine for a utopia where anything and everything is delivered to them on a silver platter. A stress-free life with no problems.

You are the “low man on the totem pole“

You may have been in your career for quite a while. You may even be quite good, probably the best person in that type of work in your office/building/location.

But somehow, you find yourself stuck, you find yourself stagnant.

You’ve never gotten a promotion and you’ve never even heard whispers of you getting promoted.

Even if you change companies, you still find yourself doing “grunt work”.

You couldn’t defend yourself or anyone else in a fight

If a brawl breaks out in a bar, you would end up being “collateral damage”.

If another man touched your girl inappropriately or took her as a “party favor”, there would be nothing you could do about it.

No one calls you to go party or hang out

Do you often find your phone not ringing on a Friday night? Are you spending another weekend alone?

You lack masculine confidence

When a man knows who he is and what his mission is, the action steps of how to avoid being a loser or how to stop being a loser, period, is pretty obvious to him.

He knows that there’s a type of confidence that he is lacking either outright or in a dramatic fashion. But if you don’t even think to yourself that you could be “a loser”, this idea won’t even show up on your radar.

You aren’t trying to better yourself

Losers don’t engage in self-development. They either view it as a “waste of time” or they think it’s just too much effort for too little reward. They are “content” with their lot in life.

If you resonated with at least 3 of the above, then chances are – you’re a loser.

But you don’t have to stay that way. Read on for some things you can start to do and integrate into your life to stop being a loser.

How to Stop Being a Loser – Things to Consider

You didn’t become a loser overnight, so you won’t not become a loser overnight.

But you can start implementing these pieces and change your life over time.

1. Decide to Take Control of Your Life

People who are considered losers are people who let life decide things for them. They let life decide what they’re going to wear, where they’re going to live, and even what they do as a profession.

They pretty much wave the white towel and just “check out” because it’s easier than asserting oneself.

If you want to stop being a loser, you have to stop letting circumstances dictate the outcomes.

Some of the most influential people in history (think Martin Luther King, Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln) decided to shape instead of be shaped. They took the cards they were given and played a masterful game even in the face of daunting odds.

You yourself may have faced daunting odds growing up. Are you going to let that be the final tale in the story? Are you just going to lay down and accept defeat?

You may not be able to choose your past, but you can choose what you do with it.

2. Stop Going for Cheap Fixes and Excuses

One of the biggest obstacles to changing your life for the better is instant gratification.

People are so desperate to change their life that they look for cheap tricks, hacks, easy this, easy that.

In the process to find a “philosopher’s stone”, you never build up any skills or mental toughness and end up becoming a weaker individual as a result.

Nothing worth mentioning was built in a day. If you want to know how to stop being a loser, first stop looking for an easy way out. There is none.

3. Stop Being a Voyeur

If you are a loser, your life is voyeuristic by default because it is a life of passivity.

You watch other people have sex in erotic videos. You watch other men succeed in sports. You watch other people on social media taking vacations or hanging out with friends. You watch other people live the life you want to live.

If you want to start taking action, you’ll need to start working on not sitting on the sidelines. Keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone gradually until it becomes your default.

4. Get Jacked (or Die Trying)

If a young man comes to an older man and asks him for advice, that older man should (in my opinion) tell him one thing before all else:

Get in shape.

You may say:

That’s stupid advice. How is that going to help me at all?

If you’re a loser, you’re probably overweight (or maybe carrying a few extra pounds) and out of shape. If you were put in the ring with an amateur fighter you’d get the shit kicked out of you and that would be another feather in the cap of defeat.

That changes when you work on your physique and overall fitness.

The amount of discipline, the amount of focus, the amount of motivation you need to get in enviable shape is something that requires a complete transformation. It requires a change self-image and in mindset.

From a young man who is starting with nothing, the only thing you can work on is your mind and your body. Putting on muscle and losing fat does both. This, in my opinion is a solid way to start building a sense of self-efficacy.

If you’re trying to work on your body, here’s some resources:

• Bigger Leaner Stronger: The Simple Science of Building the Ultimate Male Body
• The Muscle and Strength Pyramid: Training
• The Muscle and Strength Pyramid: Nutrition

I used these three to help me craft my physique.

I’d recommend starting with Bigger Leaner Stronger and then using the The Muscle and Strength Pyramids as you progress through training.

5. Wake Up Early

Getting a start on your day allows you to be more productive and more pragmatic than otherwise.

Compare the feelings you get waking up at 6am vs. waking up at 10am. In the former, you have 3 hours to get more done in that period than most people do in a day. In the latter, the morning is gone and now you’re distracted with this, that, and the other.

Make it a point of duty to wake up early. It gives you time and a psychological boost.

If you need help on creating a routine, check out a Solid Morning and Evening Routine for Men.

6. Get Styled

Other people will take you however you present yourself.

Take this scenario: You show up to a job interview wearing a t-shirt and board-shorts. Chances are – you won’t get that job. You might be an awesome guy with more skills than a trade school. But your first impression gave off the vibe that you didn’t care that much to even get dressed well.

You may think that’s pretty shallow. Maybe. But that’s life. Your first impression is people have to go on.

Luckily, for men – it’s easy to get far with basic style.

Get a haircut and hairstyle that suits your face. Get good skincare. Wear clothes that are well-fitting.

Think this:

Instead of this:

I can attest to the importance of style. The first two years of college, I didn’t give a flying fuck how I dressed. I wore stuff that was always a size bigger. I opted for graphic tees and a hat. I had a low buzzcut or if I did grow out my hair, I never cared for it. I thought people should have cared about my “awesome personality”.

After sophomore year, I changed all that. I got fitted shirts with no logos. I got well-fitting jeans and chinos. I went to a good barber. People started paying much more attention to me. I was getting more surface level attraction from women. Night and day difference.

I’m not a style expert, but here’s some resources to get started:

• A Beginner’s Guide: 16 Essential Style Tips
• How to Dress Better for Guys

7. Build a Skill

As I stated at the beginning, someone who is considered to be a loser in a universal sense doesn’t really have much to offer other people.

Skills that are valuable to society are built through time and effort. A loser hasn’t put the time and effort in to be a productive and helpful member of society.

All of life is an exchange of value.

Why would a company want to hire you?

Why would a woman want to date you?

Why would someone want to be friends with you?

What do you have to offer these people that make their lives easier, more enjoyable, and of course – better?

If you want to know how to stop being a loser, develop value.

If you need help developing yourself, here’s some resources:

• Udemy
• Skillshare

8. Start Developing Social Intelligence

This list wouldn’t be complete without some mention of social skills.

The only way things are done are with and through other people.

Everything in life is a social exchange.

How do you navigate social situations? Do you do it with ease? With finesse? Or are you sloppy and haphazard in your communication? Or maybe you’re even completely oblivious as to how to navigate social interactions.

I’ve written about social intelligence before, but here’s a quick primer on 9 things you should be aware of in social interactions:

Conclusion and Wrapping Up

Someone can call you a loser and mean it in a hurtful way or they can just mean that you’re someone who doesn’t offer good value in general. You are more liability than you are asset. A true loser can’t hold down a job, isn’t into improving themselves, and may even have issues with productivity or time management.

Pulling yourself out of a pit of loserdom or abject mediocrity is easier said than done and it won’t be done by looking at an article on a website. But you can start by doing things that make you more valuable to yourself and ultimately others.

Over time, as your gains compound and you become a different person – you unlock new possibilities in life that were previously closed to you. That’s the true reward starting to become someone you truly admire.

Do you consider yourself a “loser”? If so, what are you doing to leave it behind? Let me know in the comments.