Getting Through the “Dark Wood” of a Quarter Life Crisis

In the middle of the journey of our life

I found myself astray in a dark wood

where the straight road had been lost sight of.

How hard it is to say what it was like

in the thick of thickets, in a wood so dense

and gnarled

the very thought of it renews my panic.

Dante Alighieri, Inferno

These are the famous opening lines from Inferno by Dante Alighieri. This quote is referring to a mid-life crisis, however, I feel it can relate to another type of crisis as well: a quarter-life crisis.

For some people, the quarter life crisis is a normal “going through the motions” activity. Everyone worried or worries about their life from time to time, especially when they were in the process of growing from adolescence to adulthood.

This crisis can be a MASSIVE wake up call to tell you that you’re not living according to your own values. Many articles have been written on this subject, but I’m going to offer my own spin on it, some takeaways you can use if you find yourself in the same situation and how to proceed.

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What is a quarter life crisis and what does it feel like?

A quarter-life crisis refers to a period of time when a young adult or adolescent is doubtful and/or apprehensive about their life and the direction it is headed. In contrast to a mid-life crisis, a quarter life crisis usually hits between the ages of 24-34.

In quarter life crisis psychology, someone may feel lost or trapped during this period of time due to the pressures that life presents (needing to find steady employment, anxiety about the future, deciding whether to pursue a certain life path, etc.) in addition to to massive changes that occur physically, psychologically, socially, and even spiritually. This is often accompanied with a feeling of dread, anxiety, and all sorts of other negative emotions.

This is also at a time of massive unemployment and underemployment for many twentysomething adults, enormous student loan debt, the haze of social media, a rapidly changing climate and economy, and a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic.

When you combine this altogether, you find that Millennials and Gen Z are up against a whole array of different problems that our parents and grandparents simply didn’t have to face during their formative years.

Some people think that this is just another dose of “first world problems” and it ends up being dismissed or swept under the rug as just another case of someone who fails to “soldier on” and “suck it up”. This is unfortunate because it’s such a vulnerable time for many young people emotionally and mentally.

What are some signs of a quarter life crisis?

If you read the above and you found yourself reading the above and nodding along, you might be going through your own quarter life crisis. If you’re not entirely sure, here are some signs that you or someone you know is going through one.

1. Impulsivity

Most people under the age of 25 have a wide amount of impulsive behaviors simply because their prefrontal cortex, the executive part of the brain, hasn’t finished fully forming yet.

However, there is a type of questionable impulsivity that makes itself known when someone is going through this crisis.

This could be someone who “decides” to immediately quit their job because “they can’t deal” or someone who starts taking drugs and drinking in a dramatic manner.

These behaviors are usually because someone wants to “feel something” other than the numbness and anxiety that comes with this crisis, so they will do almost anything to avoid responsibility. This usually comes in the form of quick-hit, instant gratification.

If you find yourself acting unnecessarily impulsive, watch out, because it could be a sign that you’re trying to escape deeper issues.

2. Mental and Lifestyle Instability

Following from above, impulsiveness will create mental and lifestyle instability in anyone, regardless of age. However, this poses great danger to someone who is a few years removed from high school or college because they haven’t had the time to develop a firm foundation in their values, principles, and lifestyle.

In addition, mental illnesses will usually begin to rear their ugly head around this time if nothing is done to help manage them. This can be on a spectrum of mild to moderate “blue moods” to full blown bipolar disorder.

These will further contribute to the lack of instability, like a self-reinforcing cycle. Over the years, this compounds to create someone who has not built anything of value because personal and psychological issues spiraled out of control.

3. Extreme Indecisiveness

In fear of making a wrong move, people who are going through a life crisis will often not choose anything.

In her book The Defining Decade, Dr. Meg Jay states that the 20s and early 30s are the most developmental time in our lives and they need to be filled with activity (think of getting physically fit, reading books, joining clubs, starting side businesses, making social connections, etc.).

In the attempt to avoid analysis paralysis, many people end up doing nothing.

Instead of going out into the world and grabbing it with their two hands, many men are sitting around and playing video games, watching explicit videos, scrolling social media endlessly, and generally wasting time.

4. Isolation (Real or Imagined)

Isolation is dangerous. Human beings are social creatures and we need to be around other humans in order to orient themselves to the world. This is why we feel feelings of “loneliness”, to help us get out of our individual head space and out into life and living.

Someone in a quarter life crisis will either feel isolated or actually be isolated. They will either feel as if “there’s no one who can understand” them or they will purposefully shove away assistance, love, and community from others.

While there is great power in isolation (when used for the right reasons), it can be devastating to someone who hasn’t established themselves yet.

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If all of these sound like they’re on the mark or almost there, then you are going through a quarter life crisis, my friend.

However, you don’t need to despair. Here are some actionable steps you can take right now to help you move in the right direction.

Actionable Steps to Overcoming Your Quarter Life Crisis

To navigate and overcome your life crisis, it requires you to be very intentional in your understandings and your execution. Here’s a few things you can start putting into play immediately:

1. Accept the Liminal Space

During periods of transition, there is a time period called “liminality”, often referred to as the “liminal space”.  According to Very Well Mind:

2. Focus Deeply On Self-Improvement

Your 20s should be thought of as a time when you are building a strong foundation for your life. Thus, it makes natural sense that self-improvement accompanies this season.

If you’re a man, the value that you can give others and the world is probably at it’s lowest ebb in your adult life from your early to mid 20s. If you play it right, your value only increases. What does this look like?

• Getting stronger and more physically fit
• Developing marketable skills
• Developing social skills and making new friends and acquaintances
• Pushing outside your comfort zone

Those are only some of the activities that will help you level up.

By exposing ourselves to new stimuli regularly, we grow exponentially. Take advantage of this time to make something amazing out of yourself.

To learn more about how you can develop yourself, check out How to Start Self-Improvement (and How to Do It) as a Twentysomething Man.

3. Read, Dammit

Did you know that most people read less than one book a year? If that’s you, you are doing yourself a massive disservice.

Think about it: people who are older than you and have solid life experience have written down their insights into a usually-less-than-15-dollar-book that you can purchase and read over and over again.

Reading has allowed me to connect the dots between seemingly disparate ideas and create novel connections between topics.

What I love about reading is this: even when you think you know it all, you don’t. There will always be a new book or piece of material that will challenge your thought paradigm and challenge your conception of yourself and reality.

How do you start reading?

Read a page in a book a day that catches your attention. Next day, work that up to two pages. Then three pages. Then so on.

Read about subjects that will allow you to hone in and focus your attention.

It’s all about the daily aggregate. Rome wasn’t built in a day, why should you be able to expect to finish a 400 page book in a day? It’s not gonna happen.

If you want some books to read, check out 25 Superior Books to Read In Your 20s.

4. Meditation and Contemplation

Meditation is getting more and more popular by the day. Why?

Our modern world is full of stimulation at every corner. It is possible to live a life where you never ever get any “alone time”. And the results of that are devastating. Famed productivity researcher Cal Newport calls this “solitude deprivation”.

Meditation and contemplation helps you hit the “pause” button on your life and come up with strategy on your next moves.

If you want to make the most out of this “liminal period”, I highly suggest you give meditation a try.

5. Make Choices (and Stick to Them)

Last, but certainly not least – you should practice making choices and sticking with them for a minimum amount of time.

As I said earlier, one of the traits of a life crisis is indecisiveness. By not choosing anything, it may seem like you are “safe” for the moment.

However, no decision is still a decision and it only contributes to the tick-tick-ticking of time slowly easing by.

This is how you wake up at 30 or 35 or whenever realizing that you wasted your life in indecisiveness, which contributes to a major sense of regret as people get older.

While you shouldn’t hastily make big decisions (where to live, who to marry, what to do for a career, etc.) in a quick moment, you should prioritize making those decisions sooner rather than later so you can get going on a course of action.

If you need more help thinking about how to to reduce regrets made on certain choices, check out the regret minimization framework made popular by Jeff Bezos of Amazon.

6. Develop Community

As I said before, us humans are social creatures who need others to thrive.

Unfortunately, many people find it difficult to make true friends after they leave high school or college. It’s not that making friends in high school or college was easy, per say…but that the shared experiences and close proximity made it easier to make lasting connections.

As an adult, it is now on you to make those connections. If you have friends who you went to school with in your city, link up with them. You can then start to get introduced to friends of friends and create an ever expanding social circle. If you find yourself in a new environment, go to clubs and organizations on things you’re interested in.

Meetup is a good place to start.

Conclusion + Wrapping Up

The warrior of light unwittingly takes a false step and plunges into the abyss. Ghosts frighten him and solitude torments him. His aim had been to fight the Good Fight, and he had never imagined that this would happen to him, but it did. Shrouded in darkness, he makes contact with his master. ‘Master, I have fallen into the abyss,’ he says. ‘The waters are deep and dark.’ ‘Remember one thing,’ replies his master. ‘You do not drown simply by plunging into water, you only drown if you stay beneath the surface.’ And the warrior uses all his strength to escape from his predicament. – Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

As someone who went through his own quarter life crisis (right on time at 25), I know what it’s like to be there. Even though our experiences are different, the feelings are the same.

I want to let you know that you CAN get past this period of uncertainty and doubt but it requires the right approach.

It requires you to accept where you are right now (AKA the liminal space), focusing on self-improvement, developing a meditative practice, making decisions and sticking with them, and developing community.

Do these 5 things and I can almost guarantee that this period of your life will be a great transition into better things.

And if you find yourself on life’s journey not knowing how to develop yourself, check out my course Cornerstone. It will help you develop your own blueprint on how you want your self-improvement journey to go and it’s chock full of strategies on how maximize your productivity, be more mentally sound, develop a firm life philosophy, and get better at whatever you choose to do.

Check it out on the link below.