A Line in the Sand: How to Be Assertive

When it comes to generalized human wants, you’ll find that across countries and cultures – you’ll find that everyone’s pretty much the same.

Everyone wants a life a worth living, work they find meaningful, and relationships they find enjoyable.

Even though these desires may be more or less universal, they aren’t automatically going to happen to most people.

These things require a level of assertiveness that many people quite frankly, don’t have – because they were never taught how to have it.

This article is going to be the guide to being assertive and is going to get to the nitty gritty + show you how to draw your line in the sand so you can get what you want in life and stand up for what you believe in.

This article will also show you:

• What assertiveness is and what it is NOT
• Why you need assertion in life
• Ground level tactics on how express assertiveness

Let’s get started.

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What is Assertiveness?

“Self-assertiveness means honoring my wants, needs, and values and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality…To practice self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speak and act from my innermost convictions and feelings…To think for oneself – and to stand by what one thinks — is the root of self-assertion.” – Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Right off the bat, it’s worth clearing the air…many people think that assertiveness = aggression. It not. You can be assertive without resorting to aggression.

Assertiveness is as the quote by Nathaniel Branden states: to live authentically.

It means “speaking one’s truth” more or less.

It means owning up for one’s desires, needs, wants, and values and projecting them forth in an authentic way.

On the surface, this sounds extremely simple and basic. But is it really?

How Assertiveness Shows Up In the Real World

It’s all too easy to think and say “hey, I’m assertive” or “I can do that” but the situations that call for assertiveness are a bit more stress-inducing than you think.

Job Interviews/Work

In a job interview, you need to display why you are the best candidate for the job. This means creating rapport with the interviewer(s), displaying your technical acumen, and even asking the right questions. This requires assertiveness.

The interviewer(s) can’t read your mind, so you need to express your thoughts and feelings in a clear and coherent way.

When you do get the job, you’ll then need to advocate for yourself at work. Expressing your ideas and even pushing back on ones you don’t agree with requires courage.

Many people are afraid to be more assertive at work for fear of losing their jobs. If you work in this type of environment, this says more about the culture than it says about you.

As of July 2022, the labor market is looking very healthy in the United States, so if you’re in a job where you feel stifled – now’s the time to start looking.

Relationships (Romantic, Familial, and Friendship)

Personal relationships with other humans have the most risk/rewards for self-knowledge and self-growth than any other area in life. Because of the level of potential for positive and negative emotions involved in them, they will tell you more about yourself than almost any other thing you can do.

In the minefield that is dating and romance, you have a molotov cocktail of connection, desire, and longing in addition to the various games that are played when two people are “courting” one another.

In the modern day, especially as a man – you need to have your wits about you. Expressing intent, leading, stepping out of your comfort zone – all of these require assertiveness.

In your personal relationships with friends and family, if you’ve had a history of being a doormat, these people won’t feel comfortable that you’re stepping out of that into a more assertive position. If that is you, be prepared for some pushback. If you stick with this, over time, they will come to accept the “new you”.

Personal Expansion

In life, up to a certain age, we have had everything laid out for us. Our parents took care of us, we went to school, we were told what to do (study, get good grades, stay out of trouble), and so on and so forth. After a certain period of time (usually after high school or college), that suddenly stops.

We’re now responsible for ordering our own lives and determining our own direction. We need to decide things like:

• How we’re going to express ourselves to the world
• Where we’re going to live
• What we’re going to do for work
• Our values and beliefs
• Establishing boundaries
• Etc.

This requires assertiveness. Without it, self development and personal expansion is impossible.

The Consequences of Lack of Assertiveness

There’s a lot of things that can happen and DO happen when you lack assertiveness. Here’s some of them:

You Won’t Get Your Needs/Wants Met

In most cases, you won’t have anyone to really advocate for you and if they do, it may not be to the degree that you want (or need). This means that you’ll often find yourself on the “short end of the stick“, so to speak and you won’t get the things that you desire from life.

If you’re a man and you’re not assertive, you won’t have the dating life you want.

If you get a job offer and they give you a lowball salary offer, you won’t care to negotiate.

If someone makes fun of you or someone close to you, you won’t stand up for yourself.

All of these things come from lack of assertiveness.

You’ll Probably Waste Time Doing Things You Don’t Care to Do

Picture this: it’s a Friday afternoon on a sunny Summer day. You’re just closing up shop on your work for the day (and week) and your mind starts turning towards the weekend…So many things you could do! You could meet up with a friend, you could go catch a movie, you can crack into that book you’ve always wanted, and oh – so and so is having a pool party. Lots of options.

As you’re about to leave, your boss comes to you and asks if you’ve got plans for the weekend. Before you answer, he interrupts by asking if you can come in tomorrow to finish up a project. What do you do?

If you’re like many people, you’ll probably cave in. And that comes from lack of assertiveness.

Things Will Go Left Unsaid

One of the key traits of people who lack assertiveness is that they don’t address “elephants in the room”. Whether it’s out of fear of what might happen from “rocking the boat” or not wanting to cause conflict, they don’t really speak their mind.

Unfortunately, this is exactly how small issues turn into large ones and problems that could have been handled long ago linger around for an unacceptable amount of time.

All in all, this creates a life with a lot of interpersonal strife and repression.

How to Become Assertive: 4 Key Steps

Going from not speaking your mind at all to being assertive in life is going to be a wide step for many. But you have to start to do this if you want to live a life that’s worth anything. This is part of masculine confidence.

Here’s 4 steps in the right direction.

1. Create Boundaries

In any guide to assertiveness, this should really be the first step. You need to create boundaries between you and “the outside world”. What is “the outside world”? Anyone who isn’t you, simply put.

This even means having boundaries with your family, with your friends, with your significant other.

Sometimes, these people will attempt to intrude on your space or test the boundaries just because they’re family members.

Implementation: It can be hard to create boundaries with people who are close to you but you need to do it. Stand up for yourself in a confident yet firm way and don’t back down from whatever you choose as “the acceptable standard”. This is part of “inner game“.

2. Put Aside Your Ego

The one thing I’ve noticed with a lot of people who lack assertiveness is the unwillingness to get hurt. This could be in a physical sense, but mostly this is emotional and psychological.

This is because there’s a reputation that’s at stake (whether real or imaginary). In your head is the belief that you will hurt somebody or you will get hurt.

I only have one thing to say about that: get over yourself.

The truth about a situation is more important than your or the other person’s feelings about it. If you can’t handle that, you aren’t ready to fully express assertiveness.

You need to be willing to get into conflict in order for the real element of a situation to rise to the surface.

For more information on how to build a solid mental constitution, check out the article on mental toughness.

3. Aim Higher

Overcoming your ego and creating boundaries is impossible if you don’t have a higher ideal you’re striving for.

There needs to be something that transcends the raw negative emotion that can come from the conflict that may arise by asserting yourself.

The best question to ask is why? Why are you being assertive? Are you fighting for a person? Are you fighting for an ideal?

Whatever it is needs to be at the forefront.

Implementation: This is where it helps to clarify your values. What is most important to you and why?

4. Look for the Common Ground

Despite what some people may say or what it may seem, we all share common ground simply because we’re all human beings living on planet earth.

No matter our ethnicity, culture, familial upbringing, or whatever else – we all came into the world the same way and we’ll leave the same way.

Beyond that, we all have similar wants, needs, and desires. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone needs food (and water, and shelter), and everyone desires a life that will help them self-actualize.

Once you put it in those terms, we’re not so different after all.

Implementation: Part of assertiveness is the aspect of negotiation. A negotiation is a dialogue between two people to reach a common agreement. You will come off as less “forceful” if you reach common ground designed to benefit both parties. Whenever you are asserting your boundaries, do it in a way that can create a win-win situation for all parties. Think about what you want and what the other person wants and see how you can come to a blended resolution.

Conclusion + Wrapping Up

Assertiveness is the ability to state what you want to see happen from any given situation in an honest and truthful way.

Assertiveness is difficult because it can create the ground for conflict between two or more people.

Being non-assertive is definitely the easier path but unfortunately, there are downsides that come from it such as not getting your wants and needs met, wasting time, and leaving issues unaddressed. Added up together, these can create a life and lifestyle that is unhappy and downright miserable.

If you want to be assertive, you need to create boundaries with you and other people, put aside your ego, aim at higher ideals, and look at the common ground between you and the other party.

This is one key to a good life and without it true happiness will always elude you.

I hope you enjoyed the guide to being assertive. What are your experiences with being assertive? How did it go? Let us know in the comments below.