You Decide the Frame

A little while ago I made a podcast episode called “you decide the success” (If you’re so inclined, you can listen to that here 👉 You Decide the Success).

The intention behind that was to remind whoever’s listening that ultimately — your version of success is your version of success.

In this article, I want to go a slight layer deeper – something that is the “success before the success”.

And that is: you decide the frame.

You decide how you are going to react or respond to life. No one else.

Knowing this is key to helping shift your life towards your vision (and version of success). This is how you take your power back, that has been stolen from you by various sources.

And in fact, this is sort of where it all starts, so this is kind of an important topic to understand.

Note: If you want a deeper dive on frame, check out an article I wrote on 👉 frame control.

Secondary Note: This article is available as a podcast:

What is Frame?

If you didn’t click the link above, it’s worth exploring real quick: what is “frame“? anyway?

Frame is very simple and it’s what it sounds like: a psychological lens through which you view an interaction or event to give it context.

It’s the age old question of “is the glass half full or is it half empty”?

And the answer is: depends on how you look at it.

Your frames are generated from belief systems. What you believe is what you will see in the world.

Just like a picture frame frames a picture and puts it into context, a frame around an interaction or event helps put it into context in relationship to everything else.

So for example: I have the assumption that most people who interact with me will walk away as a better person than before they interacted with me.

That frame is solid.

It is solid because it has been reinforced time and time again through various experiences I have had.

Therefore, it is one lens I put on when it comes to social interactions.

Another lens could be “most people are more interesting than you give them credit for”.

That’s another belief, another frame that I’ve had that has made social interactions go much smoother.

It has helped me see who a person really is and get to know what’s really inside them.

This is similar to rule #9 in 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson:

“Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t.”

This has taken me pretty far – the ability to open a stranger cold and then 15 minutes later or 30 minutes later, they are talking to you like you’re an old friend. Very useful skill to have.

Who knows who that person could be. That person could be your future employer, your next client, your future wife, or even someone who could introduce you to those people.

Maybe you are the opposite. Maybe you’re someone who doesn’t have these frames. Instead, you believe that you an anti-social hermit who people can’t stand to be around.

And you may not even believe this consciously, but that is the frame, that is the lens, that is the context you put over interactions.

And what you believe to be true (even subconsciously) will become your personal reality.

So this is why it’s VERY important to monitor, examine and question your beliefs.

And we do this all the time without even thinking about it. If I show you pictures of different people, you will automatically come to conclusions about them.

He looks strong or he looks shady or he looks trustworthy. You can fill in the blank. Those are frames.

Another frame is when bad things happen to you, you can view it with the frame of “everything in my life is conspiring to help me and this is just one step on the path”.

Is it true? Is it false? Who knows. But it’s a frame. And in my opinion, it’s a very powerful frame to adopt.

You can do this in every area of your life. Your job, your family, your physical prowess, so many things.

You can sort of think of it like delusion. You need to have positive delusion if you want to achieve everything that’s possible for you in life because the world and many people in it is very negative.

Not skeptical, not “realistic”, but flat out negative.

How People Lose Their Frame

Now that we have a brief understanding of frame, let’s really talk about how people lose this ability to set their own frame, their own context.

As a child, you had no worry about this. You were free, you were expansive, you were expressive.

You probably had a wild imagination as a child. I know I did (and still do to a degree).

But then something happened, either all at once or over time.

Trauma, faulty belief systems, intimidation, persuasion, and lots of other things made you give up your power at some point.

Here are 3 of the biggest sources of things that have stolen your power along the way, so you have some awareness about it and how to go about fixing it.

Childhood Conditioning

Think about your conditioning, your socialization process all the way through your childhood to now.

Think about how much false information, how many false beliefs, how much BS in general has been force fed to you from other people to now.

Maybe you had your arm twisted a bit to please mommy and daddy, maybe you were told “just be a nice guy” when it came to being attractive to the opposite sex, maybe you were told other people know better than you, maybe you were just in general made to feel and be compliant to others.

That’s going to affect your belief system and as a result — your frame.

Culture

This is a big one. We are all influenced by some culture at some point. It is an invisible, intangible pressure we can all feel in various areas of our lives.

Depending on where you live, you will be making choices that will be conforming to the culture or divergent to the culture.

And many of us listening to this live in the Western world, which has its own overarching belief system and culturally belief systems depending on where you live in the West.

American culture is different from British culture. British culture is different from Australian culture. Australian culture is different from Spanish culture.

All different, with some overlapping similarities.

I’ve never lived anywhere but America so I can only speak to American culture, but there are many parts of it which are toxic and detrimental to the self-image and self-esteem of the human being.

This is on purpose. America is a consumer culture, and for you to consume and buy products, you need to be told that your life is worthless and you’re a piece of shit unless you have X or Y product.

Great for marketing, great for greasing the wheels of capitalism, bad for your frame and self-image.

This is mainly why I don’t really care to follow trends because so many of them have come and gone over the years while the people who follow them are left holding the bag.

Relationships

The third pillar of this is interpersonal relationships. So many things happen in these.

And I’m expanding it to ALL relationships, not just romantic ones (even though those are a hotbed for all sorts of frame challenges).

In general, relationships are just a prime candidate for approval seeking, validation seeking, or people pleasing whether it’s in the realm of dating or friendships.

If you don’t have strong frame when it comes to other people, other people will step on you and use you and abuse you, even those you love.

Bob Marley once said:

“Everyone is going to hurt you. You just need to find the ones worth suffering for.”

The Consequences of Lack of Frame Control

Besides not being able to assert yourself, there are real consequences to lack of frame control in situations.

In all of these contexts, let’s use the example of a man-to-woman interaction.

Constant second-guessing

If you’re not able to establish good frame, you will doubt yourself. You will think that you are “not up to snuff” when it comes to whatever situation.

Example: You may be hitting on a woman and she may be digging it. But then you hesitate. You doubt yourself. She senses your lack of self-confidence and then she pulls back.

This makes you second-guess yourself even more and creates a downward loop of emotional betrayal.

This is mainly because you weren’t able to display the frame of “I am man, you are a woman. I find you attractive. I am not ashamed of my attraction, nor do I need your validation to tell me that it’s ok to display that attraction”.

Not having a frame like this is what will sink any chance of romance you have with the opposite sex. Not being able to own your attraction.

Emotional reactivity

People who lack frame control will become very emotional in response to different situations.

You will react to life rather than respond to it if this is you.

It is also a feedback loop.

You lack emotional groundedness so you become very reactive. As a result, other people impose their frames on you and situations that involve you.

You become more reactive, which makes you less able to control frame.

Example: A woman tests you with a sarcastic comment. If you get irritated or try to explain yourself… you just validated her frame and lost your own.

In reality, you should view these comments as just what they are: comments.

If your emotions spike because things didn’t go how you wanted it shows you’re attached to an external result.

It shows you lack “outcome independence”.

That means your internal world is not self-governed — it’s fragile and malleable.

That’s not attractive to women because women instinctively look for mental and emotional strength in men.

Inability to say “no”

Saying “no” is difficult for a lot of people, especially a lot of men.

They may view it as somehow too aggressive, too pushy, too bothersome.

After all, when you’ve been raised to be a people pleaser – “no” is unfortunately not a part of your vocabulary.

When you can’t say “no”, you are broadcasting to the outside world that your boundaries are negotiable and malleable.

Example: A woman asks you to do something you’re not comfortable with or she is being unnecessarily bitchy. Do you put up with that behavior? Do you just do nothing?

If you do, you are being compliant. She has taken control of the frame and now you are her puppet for her entertainment.

Frame is about being the author of your reality and when you can’t say no, you’re letting other people co-author your story without your permission.

Over time, your inability to say no will lead to resentment. Not only for others who are forcing you into compliance, but to yourself because parts of you die inside.

It’s the definition of “death by a thousand cuts”.

Lack of personal direction or conviction

Lack of personal direction or conviction destroys frame because it makes your identity and decisions subject to outside influence and frame, at its core, is about living from the inside out.

If you don’t know who you are or where you’re going, you’ll unconsciously adopt the frame of whoever seems more certain than you.

Example: You’ve been enjoying a woman’s company and she asks the infamous question: “where is this going?”

You being Mr. Driftwood says:

“UUUH… I DUNNO. I’M JUST GOING WITH THE FLOW RITE NOW”.

A woman doesn’t want to hear that. She wants to hear that you have a clear direction because whether you like or not, a woman is looking for a man to lead the relationship.

But an answer like that will certainly shift the vibe and create an awkward silence or at worst, an argument.

But if you give a clear answer like “Right now, I’m focused on building my business (or you can say growing in your career) and growing as a man. I like where this is going — but I don’t rush anything I respect. I’m not playing games, but I move with clarity.”

THAT is a much more satisfying answer than “I DUNNO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?”

Whether she is down for it or she isn’t — doesn’t matter. Your position and vision is clear.

That’s frame control.

Predators and Prey

I’ve always viewed the world as predators and prey. The predators are the people who set the frame and set traps for the prey.

Prey are the people who fall blindly into belief systems and become tools for the predators.

Now, here’s the clincher: we humans are apex predators. We are the top dogs. We are all naturally predators.

But many of us have become convinced that we are prey, that we are helpless in the face of life and everything that happens in it.

That’s a frame that’s been set up by various predators who want to use you as a tool. Some people call this a “psyop” – a psychic operation. I call it mass social engineering.

This is why victim and blaming culture is so big in 21st century society. People don’t want to take accountability or responsibility and instead want to point fingers.

And that’s why that if you have no discipline, if you have no vision, if you have no confidence, if you have no discernment – the world will chew you up and shit you out because you are easy prey.

You spent all your life following an ideology, buying into a belief system, doing things because “someone said this is how they should be done” that at the end of it, you have little to nothing to show for it. Again, you are left “holding the bag”.

That has been the fate of a LOT of people over the course of the years and if you are listening to this right now, I do not want that to be you.

So that’s all the things that can and will inevitably happen in some format if you lack frame. Here’s how you can build yours up:

How to Reclaim the Frame

Reclaiming the power that was given to you at birth is a wake-up moment. It’s when you stop playing defense and start choosing again.

Reclaiming the frame is not about faking confidence, barking orders, or becoming some alpha caricature.

It’s about becoming the author of your internal world again.

It’s about waking up from the trance and realizing: You’ve been reacting to life instead of responding to it.

To illustrate, I will use my own life as an example to how I did this early on in my life.

1. Develop Awareness

Where are you giving away the frame?

Ask yourself:

• Where do I hesitate to speak truth?
• With whom am I avoiding conflict to be liked?
• Where do I feel anxious when I should feel clear?
• Who am I constantly trying to impress or get approval from?

Anywhere you feel guilt, fear, or reactivity is a place where you are potentially giving away your perspective of reality.

Become aware of these moments so you can catch yourself when it happens.

When I was in my early 20s, I became aware of frame and what it meant for my life.

I was someone who was not raised to be a “people pleaser” per say – but I was much less assertive at times when I needed to be.

I would often concede to other people’s viewpoints instead of asserting my own. I was averse to conflict. Or “frame battles” as some would call it.

So I did this. I developed awareness about where I was giving up my power. So for me, that was step 1. Because without step 1, you can’t move to step 2.

2. Develop Boundaries

Every “yes” to someone else that violates your values is a “no” to yourself.

Saying “no” is a declaration that you are a sovereign individual.

Where is your line on different issues?

Many people don’t know the answer to this question, so as a result, others define it for them.

Don’t let that happen to you.

As for myself, I did not have firm boundaries. Most people never crossed my boundaries but there were times when some people did. When some people wanted to test me.

And I never let anyone get away with anything egregious – if you red-lined my boundaries, you would certainly know it, but there were times when people did or said things I just let slide.

Over time, I realized this was taking a toll on me so I had to ask myself: what do you stand for?

And then I went to work on creating those boundaries for myself.

I informed my boundaries with the following point.

3. Use Values-Based Decision-Making

Most people lose the frame because they never built one consciously.

It’s not based off of an inner value system that acts as compass.

Instead, many people’s frame of reality is based off an faulty or incomplete value system that they’ve never fully thought through or they got from somewhere else.

Ask yourself: what values am I willing to live and die by?

I did this early on, back in my early 20s and I came up with some values that would inform my boundaries. They were good, they were nice – but they weren’t incredibly specific. They were rather general.

It was only about 2 years ago, that I had the opportunity to revisit them and clarify this for myself. What are my values? The 2014 version and the 2023 versions are both written down and it’s pretty easy to compare and contrast them.

Now, I always consult these values (the updated ones at least) when making a decision of any relative significance.

What about you? What things do you value?

• What do you believe in?
• What will you will tolerate?
• What is non-negotiable for you?

This is your frame’s source code. Without it, your mind is open-source – editable by anyone louder than you.

4. Move With Intention

From now on, you move with intention.

Not recklessness. Not stubbornness. But through.

This may be hard for some of you because you were raised to be a people pleaser.

And when people question your choices?

You don’t justify. You don’t beg. You don’t defend.

You simply say:

“This is what I’ve chosen.”

That is strong frame control.

A calm, grounded man who doesn’t need to explain himself because he lives by a system stronger than opinions.

When you move according to your own compass, your own values, your own code: you become very hard to manipulate. People can’t just pull the wool over your eyes all of a sudden.

You literally create your own reality.

When I decided what I wanted to do in my life and where I wanted to head, I stopped explaining to people. I stopped justifying my choices. I stopped being on the backfoot.

If people wanted to press for a why, I would just shrug and say “just cause” 🤷🏽‍♂️.

That would irritate the hell of some people, especially people who want a reason for everything but you aren’t here to give a reason for everything.

You weren’t put on this planet to have to “check in” or rationalize your choices to other people.

You want things because you want them. That is enough reason.

And if people have a severe problem with that…well, they should go take a hike.

Conclusion + Wrapping Up

The strongest people don’t chase control, it ends up being magnetized to them because of their mindset.

They don’t dominate others. they define themselves so clearly that the world calibrates around them.

When you reclaim the frame, you stop being a character in someone else’s story and start becoming the author of your own.

This isn’t about ego. This is about alignment.

It’s about being so grounded in who you are, what you value, and where you’re going that no woman, no boss, no friend, no stranger can shake you off center.

That is the essence of strong frame control.

And best of all: it’s all up to you.